I can relate to all of this. Both my eldest sons have autism diagnoses and during the process of each of them, the doctors responsible quote pointedly asked me (but not my wife, who was also there throughout) if I had ever considered being formally diagnosed. It always seemed as though it wasn’t the right time to do it for myself as there was always something going on with somebody else (having 5 kids and “complicated” parents will do that to you…) but I’m finally doing something about it now.
@Fin25 thanks for sharing this, mate. Like @igtheflig I enjoy and relate to your comments on here and, if I was the type of person to ever actually spend time with other people in person, I suspect we might get on pretty well.
I can relate to the Eurorack situation completely. I’ve always been a very compulsive person - would go without food for days if it meant I could spend the money on records from a label I was collecting; could never have weed in the house without it whispering to me to smoke it as soon as I woke up and remembered it was there - so I’ve always known to give modular a wide berth, no matter how tempting it was (and still very much is). I set the caveat that if I ever did want to take the plunge I could only go there if I was prepared to build it all myself… which has proved to be a pretty great barrier so far, but I do get a twitchy soldering iron sometimes so I may end up there one day despite it all
Beautiful share. I hope you don’t mind me saying it cracked me up at times - mostly because the writing is great.
I really relate to the portion about all the mechanisms you put in place to stay leveled, ie not ramping up. I’ve struggled with addiction and have been controlled by some of those same mechanisms for a few years now - but I acknowledge it’s a thing that will always be looming in the background trying to find a way to come back into my life. So thanks, your story is a real reminder.
I always wonder if some people stay in this game because they can’t admit they were wrong. Personally I still have a few modules that are not easily reproduced with other gear, but I really hate the spaghetti mess.
It’s human… You go full on eurocrack, you spend thousands in it… it HAS to be the right choice… it can’t be that you’ve fooled yourself… right ? right ?
The thing that broke the spell for me was my wife was talking at the weekend about getting a new bed for the spare room. I was all dismissive like, “why waste money?”. She lost her shit. Perspective was achieved shortly thereafter.
Maybe Eurorack is like a vacation destination, nice to visit but not necessarily somewhere to live. And maybe you go back again someday - then moan that it isn’t the same as last time
Thank you for this introspection, though I suspect that writing it up and putting it out for the world to see is as much for you as it is for us. I’m sorry for the pain you went through, but glad you had sufficient reflective capabilities to be able to listen to what you were being told and act on it. Your comments about the open-ended nature of Eurorack are spot-on, but I see compulsive behaviour around other musical gear on this forum and others, and I’ve seen it with many other things I’ve taken an interest in (cooking, restaurants, wine, coffee, books, even the work of a specific author, and of course my professional life). It seems that creativity and enthusiasm can easily shade over into obsession. When someone steps back visibly, it’s a good reminder to look for the beam in one’s own eye, and I am doing that now. I hope you’re a little less miserable in the days to come.
