I was at home the other day and my wife came rushing in and said “there’s a gang of lads going up the road nicking the gates off everyone’s front yards, you need to get out there and put a stop to it”.
“Naaaaah, best leave it” I said.
“I wouldn’t want them to take a fence”.
What do you call a man with no shins?
Toe-knee
What’s ET short for? He’s only got little legs
What do you call a dog that does magic?
A labracadabrador
Two cannibals eating a clown, one says, ‘does this taste a bit funny to you?’
For me the best one-liners set you up like a compliment, then slam you immediately after, Don Rickles style.
My fave: “You have a point… but if you comb your hair right, maybe no one will notice.”
I know it was flagged, but that’s the funniest thing I’ve read in a while.
“I saw an Australian playing dancing queen on a didgeridoo the other day and thought, that’s abbarigional”
Thanks Tim Vine 
from Steve Wright
“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
My dog is called Woodbine. He hasn’t got any legs. Yesterday I took him out for a drag… 
“I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.” (Robyn Hitchcock, if memory serves…)
I have not slept for ten day, because that would be too many.
RIP Mitch Hedberg
what do you get when you cross a rhetorical question with a joke?
I dare you to say it 3 times in a row.
From a mate:
My grandad said that back in the day, he could go to a shop with a quid and come out with bacon, eggs, bread and butter…
…but these days they have cameras all over the place.
A man goes to the doctor and says “Doctor, help, it hurts when I do this”
Doctor says “Stop doing that”
‘You must be higher than a giraffe’s fanny!’
I think this was the only one that made me chuckle aloud.
Sex education teacher enters classroom. Opens his briefcase and takes out a banana.
“Today I’m going to show you how to put a condom on but I’ll eat this banana first because I can’t get a hard on on an empty stomach.”
The worlds greatest farmer is out standing in his field.