Reconciling my personality with my dreams

The Lounge General Discussion
#1

How do my fellow wallflowers/introverts/shy people musicians etc deal with the fact that it feels like to be successful, and heard, you have to have a loud/outgoing personality?

I’m transitioning to this phase in my life where I know without a doubt, music is what I want to do with my life. I can’t work a factory job 8 hours a day and live up to my potential musically. But the thought of quitting and getting out there musically is scary, in a landscape where the attention you demand is more important than your musical ideas.

I never would of gotten to the point I’m at now, playing shows all the time, without my extroverted band members that pushede out of my comfort zone. And I really do love performing. But being at these venues when I’m not performing (before and after shows mostly) is like a hellish experience. If I’m not overdrinking I’m just miserable so where is my future in this, I ask myself all the time.

I know it’s technically possible to “make it” without ever stepping out my studio. But for those of you that feel like you’ve achieved that route- do you feel fulfilled even though you’re not “out there?”.

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#2

If you really do love playing, swap out your extroverted band members for an extroverted manager/agent and have them do the talking/shmoozing. If you’ve already got some cred from playing shows, document it all and use that to reel in someone who you can partner with and they’ll gain from your success.

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#3

False.

Terry Hall
Michael Jackson
Beth Gibbons
Aphex Twin
Boards of Canada
Julie London.

To name a few.

All of them succesfull, none of them loud/outgoing personalities.

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#4

Burial comes to mind, too.

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#5

Unless you are already touring, traveling a ton, playing a lot of shows already, then you are focusing on the wrong thing. The first task is just getting on peoples’ radars. If you’re lucky enough to start needing to be social for your music to be successful you are in an incredibly fortunate and small minority.

Not saying this with any malice or ill intent but I think our minds often create fake problems for us to solve so we don’t have to deal with the real ones.

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#7

Surely there’s at least one person you enjoy when you’re out playing shows? Talk to them and steer clear of the drink. The things you struggle with socially can all be improved upon through effort and alcohol is not a tool for this which will be viable in the long term. If you simply cannot talk to humans (seems a little far-fetched) then read or write until you can go home and work on more music.

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#8

Is it socializing with the band mates, or with the general public at the venue, that is the challenge? Or both?

I wonder if, now that your band mates have brought you out of your comfort zone enough to perform regularly, they can support you in not needing to go farther out of your comfort zone. Maybe you can lean on them to support you preparing for (& recovering from) the performance in a way that works better for you?

I think of some musicians who might hang out in “the green room” before/after a show and not schmooze at all, while other band mates like to step out to the bar to be part of the scene for a minute. And you know, they must all be OK with each other taking their own approach… hopefully!

Whatever it is that’s leading to the drinking to cope, see if there’s some other way to deal with it. Drinking / substance use eventually backfires. “Getting out there” by being among real humans and being part of a band is rad, but yeah, some musicians use that exposure and then retreat to the studio for the next 12 years (sometimes with their band!) and make the best music of their careers.

Some musicians continue to demand attention by virtue of their musical ideas.

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#9

So you’re saying you want to dedicate your life to being a full-time musician. And you’re also saying you’re currently successful (with the band) in a way, that would allow you to take that route because there’s enough attention already.

I’d like to think it this way: Being a musician you play a role. That role is to play, perform, compose … outstanding music. This brought you this far and this is the only role you have to play. How you define that role is your very personal and individual choice. Stick to that. If you don’t want to be loud, be quiet. If you don’t want to speak to people, don’t. You’re lucky you’re playing in a band – the others can take that part if that’s required.

Stay true to yourself and stay away from drugs, alcohol and any form of compensatory consumption that will ruin you, your body, your mental health and most likely also your creativity.

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#10

Wise words.
Don’t look for comfort/confidence in drugs, it’s a hell of a trap.

Agreed with the role part. If you don’t build it the audience will nevertheless. But it doesn’t need to be negative/crazy. Take it as a chance to get closer to your intimate self, or the one you’d like to be.

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#11

Don’t underestimate the value of mystique. If you can consistently crank out good music then maybe the public only getting occasional tiny glimpses into who you are could be alluring.
I remember a televised interview with Prince where he didn’t say a single word, much to the chagrin of the interviewer. He nodded, shook his head, and made hand gestures.

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#12

Thinking about successful introverts many of them leaned into eccentricity to great success (from Erik Satie to Aphex Twin).

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#13

Read Gurdjieff, starting from “advices to his daughther”

  1. Fix your attention on yourself, be aware at every moment of what you think, feel, want and do.

  2. Always finish what you started.

  3. Do what you are doing as best as possible.

  4. Do not be chained to anything that in the long run can destroy you.

  5. Stop defining yourself.

  6. Do not wish to be imitated.

  7. Make plans and see them through.

  8. Do not take up too much space.

  9. Do not make unnecessary noises or gestures.

  10. Do not be impressed by strong personalities.

  11. Do not seduce.

  12. Do not discuss your personal problems.

  13. Do not have useless friendships.

  14. Do not follow fads.

  15. Do not sell yourself.

  16. Do not eliminate, transform.

  17. Defeat your fears; each one of them is a desire that is camouflaged.

  18. Do not try to distinguish yourself by your appearance.

  19. Do not complain

  20. Turn your anger into creativity.

  21. Never talk about yourself, without allowing yourself the possibility of changing.

[…]

  1. Listen to Boards of Canada :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:
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#14

You might need to be an entrepreneurial hustler business person no matter what. Politics is showbiz for ugly people. Showbiz is politics for ugly people. Music is something for something something.

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#15

Keep your day job until your night job pays

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#16

It’s hard to know how to respond without knowing more about you, eg. where you live, what kind of music you’re interested in making. But I can say a few things as a shy person who’s been making music for over 20 years.

There are a LOT of musicians that are respected and have built an audience based purely on the quality of their music.

It’s helpful to think about what counts as “success”, because there are a lot of ways to define that. If your only idea of success is international mega-fame, then you’re almost certain to fail, regardless of your personality. If success is being able to make the music you want over a long period, and have an audience that appreciates what you do, I think that’s very possible as a shy person. But it may take a lot of time and work.

There are certain aspects of being a musician that are harder if you’re shy. For example, in order to be covered in magazines or websites, you need to be photographed. I personally don’t like being photographed, but I grit my teeth and do it when necessary. It’s very helpful to make videos, and they will be more useful as promotion if your face is in there (something I can’t really deal with). If you find it hard to talk on the radio, that can be limiting. Again, something you may have to practice and get used to. This stuff is all much easier for people who are socially confident. You can make music and avoid all this stuff, but it will probably limit the size of your audience.

As you’ve already discovered, having bandmates can help a lot, so I would stick to working in groups, at least for now. It becomes harder as you age, because people have less time, having careers/babies etc. Solo work might be an option later on, which is definitely more challenging as a shy person. I work solo, and it can be really rewarding in it’s own way. But it’s more like work, with none of the fun of being in a band.

There are certain things about a life in music that are hard and unpleasant, for sure. Having to hang around in bars is not for everyone, and leads to exposure to one of the main occupational hazards: addiction. Being poor a lot, and seeing friends go on to live more normal lives with steady jobs and money, can affect your self esteem.

For me the rewards of a musical life have been the community, the travel opportunities, and the fulfillment that comes from creativity.

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#17

My hometown has a thing about masks, quite a few artists and bands use them to stay anonymous while absolutely cutting loose on stage. You can stay who you are and still be recognisable, without consequences.

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#18

Regardless of what happens if you strike out on your own the over drinking will likely stay the same or get worse under your current situation if the habit has been established. Stay away from powder at all costs.

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#19

Spoken like a bassist!

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#20

It’s ok to be yourself. that’s the advice that no one is giving you that you need to hear.

from there, just work on liking who you are.

if you can’t find success there, you probably won’t find it anywhere.

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#21

byjove

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